darrells baby shower

We took the F train to Delancy on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Walking two blocks South towards Grand St. We walked into the Seward Park community center and found ourselves a table amongst the see of milky faces spouting spanish small talk to one another. It was my second baby shower and awkwardly enough it would be for a friend of mine. We were all between the ages of nineteen and twenty, still young and naive to the brutal punches that life sometimes throws at you. Running his fingers smoothly across the pink draped table covered with brightly colored aluminum confetti Andres cocked his head back. “Dudes I cant believe this is happening.” He was one of the few of us who understand what it was like to have your dreams temporarily halted. Following his senior year of high school he moved out of his house choosing a life of academics, weed booze and women. He was the typical college student, a young man in search of freedom from the ties that birthed and bonded him. Gabe who was sitting across from his replied sullenly “all we can do is be happy for him.” They were both talking about Darrell, their pledgebrother whom suffered with them for 10 weeks before they crossed as brothers of the same fraternity. It was Darrells baby shower, he was having a daughter, born out of wedlock with a girl he probably didn’t love. I sang to the mother of his child one time, even though im sure she probably doesnt remember. It was while I was pledging the spring following Darrell, Gabe and Andres’ Fall pledgeclass. Darrell had called up his pledge brother Laurent while I was in a car with him headed towards Jamaica, Queens and demanded laughingly that we call his girlfriend; the future mother of Darells child, to sing to her. We agreeingly did so, delivering her a Kci & Jo Jo ballad. When I think of that moment now where we she bashfully laughed at our cracking voices which were attempting to hit high notes on the phone I cant help but think who wouldve known? Who wouldve ever thought that seven months from now that Id be at her baby shower sipping on pina colada chatting with my brothers about how old we think the cute girl with glasses sitting next to me is.

GPhi party was kinda fun

Samba was  a disaster for me

we went out to get chimis Ryan, Stacy and me

I bumped into Amanda who suprisingly greeted me

we hugged she gave me a kiss on the cheek and introduced me to her new boyfriend. we talked for awhile. About a lot of things specifically how much we missed each other. I thought of the night we did laundry together. Me Jon and her stayin up till 6 in the morning doing absolutely nothing. Just allowing life to pass us by and feeling content with it. I really miss those days and its strange to me how the future plays out.

who woulda ever thought? jon with a gf…me alone…amanda in a relationship?

Who woulda ever thought?

Halloween 2007

Fraternity had a party at Eternity. I had no costume mid day and my frat brothers left me hanging. Mike B came thru and let me use his metro card so  I could go to the mall and buy a costume. While at the mall I bumped into Zeena and her roomate. I didnt find a costume but I stole some chains from Target to make myself a slave costume. I took the train back to Jamaica ave feeling torn that no one would help me. This is New York and winters here are cold like ppls emotions. I made my costume in Ryans car while taking swigs of Devils Springs with Gent and Laurent. They went into the club I went down Steinway st in Astoria to find some pants and a nappy Fro. I stole some from a pirate costume in a Duane Reade a mile from Eternity. I came to the party and it was amazing. Girls everywhere barely dressed. I got it in with different shortys but did alot of aimless walking so I could look busy. I danced with Zeena she can back her ass up nicely…too bad she wont let me fuck. I fingered some fat white chick. My fingers stunk, I didnt even wanna dance with her. I did it only because she was cuffing me on the dance floor. The next day I met up with Kevin on the strip went to Bri’s room where I coulda fucked. I layed in her bed watchin a movie makin slight moves my hand cupping her ass. We then went to my room where she then flirted with my roomate. She left the next day I went to the movies with Zeena to see American gangster. Jorge and Mike Brown drove us there. The movie sucked. I went back to her room nothing happened. Shes too indecisive, not a flirt at all. Next night, my roomate Chebe brings some girls over. One of em hops in my bed. Reluctant to face defeat yet again I cop feels. She gets into it. I think she wants me to take her virginity. Im not sure if I want  to have sex with her. I dont find her attractive but my penis cant help but get hard around her when the tension rises. She almost spotted my third nipple. I slyly told her it was a scar and I was too insecure to show it. Next day I hang out with Mike B when going back to my room I bump into Erika she runs over telling me how much she misses me. I wonder if she means it? I go to my room and my unattractive one night fluke comes by. I see her in the light and avoid having sex with her by inciting conversation. I push my dick against her ass when she bends over though. Next day I chill nothing happens me and Mike B help Shaunny L’s edit his paper were a stellar team. I study for my Philosophy test. Today….

I took my philosophy test today. Im not really sure as to how Ive done my mind wasnt really into it. I must have ADD because my attention wanders constantly thinking about girls, cash, art, relationships. Am I dying or am I mad?

These are my significant memories of my day. Much more happened yet it is too much work to write it. When I lose my memory YOU will save me.

The Great Letdown

Perhaps the saddest moment of my life was while the two of us were sitting in that lonely car, in that lonely parking lot. Her words were sullenly sharp, and maybe she didn’t realize it but she had just teared my heart into pieces. It was rejection in its finest hour and if ESPN showed highlights on the blunders of love I would be in the running for first. “You see, I have tons of guy friends and me chilling with em you know its no big deal, like me hanging out with you right now, don’t take it the wrong way”. But I couldn’t do that. How else are you supposed to feel when you are rejected in such a secrete way? It was obvious she didn’t mean to hurt me, but she did. I laughed in response trying to conceal the humiliation I felt from actually believing she ever wanted anything to do with me. “Yea, it’s no big deal” I praisingly responded. “I don’t know why some guys would ever take your kindness as flirtation”. I opened the door, and stepped out clutching tightly onto the plastic bag from popeyes that I was holding. We walked through the parking lot and up the stairs onto “the strip”. The strip is a long narrow sidewalk winding down between the dormitories. It reminded me of the yellow brick road from The Wizard of Oz in a sense that when you walked it you were always going somewhere. We walked down the strip till we reached the back of our building. She had to stop though, to talk to some lame guys who were probably flits or something. One of em had a mohawk and the other was a kid I’d seen around the way before. He was a short guy probably Puerto Rican or something and he just had this real flitty appearance to him. I think it was most evident to me the day I saw him wearing thong sandals with jeans in one of the academic halls. I fiddled with my cellphone as I always do whenver I dont know what to do. Most of the time I’d pretend to text message people or act like I’m checking my voicemail. This was my sad way of pretending not to be a loser. She finished talking to the two flits and hurriedly walked over to me “those are two of my best guy friends, you know like I was just telling you earlier in the car”. We walked into the lobby of the dorm and showed our ID’s the staff. She walked to the doorway leading to the upperfloors. “Thanks for hanging out with me today”, “No problem I responded”. I continued walking on the first floor all the way to my room. Begrudgingly opening my door. I’m just a poor kid from Jersey, whose social awkwardities paralyze his sense of judgement from time to time. What do I know of except for how to get to the beach or the diner? I thought to myself.

How did he get with her?

What am I doing wrong?

Ive failed so far at life.

I want to fatally harm myself.

and i dont know why

WoW

wow i havent written here in a while but heres a quick update on what ive done for the last few weeks

got drunk every weekend at either a bar or club

the club liquid disaster

skipped journalism class once

campus gunman scare http://media.www.torchonline.com/media/storage/paper952/news/2007/10/03/News/Campus.Crisis-3008531.shtml

joined the advertising club

joined the criminal justice club

aced a metaphysics test

went to a few fraternity meetings

witnessed laurent get his ass beat by steffen the blob

rocked out with my cock out

went to the MoMA

got 63 bux stolen from me while i was sleeping

bought cleaning supplies for the dorm

changed my sheets

had my blood brother stan come over for a night

got lost in the city TWICE

got lost on the subway

gave wrong directions to brooklyn to a woman who was obviously a chinese immigrant…im really sorry and hope she found her way

found out that yusef (a kid who used to chill in my library back home is somewhere missing in the city)

lived.

I felt so awkward.

It all started when I and my pledgebrothers went to the cafeteria.

We were eating when “erika” walked in.

And they were pressuring me to go talk to her.

Normally I wouldn’t have a problem doing so.

But I felt like I was caught in the frenzy of their “cheering” and “jaunting”

They were saying things, nasty things like ”You could beat, son”.

Im sure she heard and thought to herself.

That hey this kid wants me, and hes not so bad himself, now all he has to do is pursue me.

But I froze.

Not because I was nervous, but I just felt so uncomfortable about the whole situation.

I already have a hard enough time talking to people.

And they were only making it worse.

Fuck, how can i fix this.

The breeze drifted slow thru the mind

easy summer day brain on the recline

feeling like a million bux tucked into a shiny metal clip

life is great, even when i cant stand it

 

Ppl smoke way too much

Last night went out with Steven (not to be confused with me)

Drove out so he could buy his bag of smoke

I dont smoke though so i was kinda annoyed by him taking me

then my roomate from last semester who doesnt even go to college here calls me

wants me to buy him a bag of smoke

so we get it for him

we meet up somewhere off campus

i successfully pulled of my first smooth handoff

i tell steven i wanna sleep

i go to my room to my roomate who is stoned

he keeps us up till 2am (mind you i came in at 11), to watch a tupac documentary he edited together

we watch, we laugh, we talk, we eat, we get annoyed, we go to sleep

the end of last night

and this folks is why i choose not to smoke marijuana, because im already to sidetracked by others to sidetrack myself by gettin high all the time